If you haven’t heard about it yet you probably will soon, as it’s all over the news websites: Pastor Chuck O’Neal and Beaverton Grace Bible Church have filed a defamation suit against former members of the church, for posting negative reviews on Internet websites. Now, in full disclosure, the church alleges that more than just negative online reviews have been made against them, but also false allegations of child abuse and allowing sexual predators access to children at the church. You can read their full statement here: http://www.beavertongracebible.org/statement.html.

One person named in the suit, Julie Anne Smith, has her own website detailing her side of the matter: Beaverton Grace Bible Church Survivors. I’ve yet to find anything at all to back up the church’s claim that “Julie Anne Smith stated that the church allows ‘sex offenders having free reign in childrens’ area with no disclosure to parents… ‘” in any of her blog posts, but I haven’t made it through all the many months of posts yet.  That being said, if this was a statement she has made to police or on a TV interview, there would be a record. Perhaps I have not come across this yet. Regardless, her posts about the effects of spiritual abuse and her experience at BGBC read much like my own experience. 

So, what do we make of this? Are Pastor O’Neal and BGBC lying? Is Julie Anne Smith lying, or the other defendants named in the case? Or is it not as simple as that? 

Some thoughts: 

In my experience with a spiritually abusive ministry, I kind of suspect there is some truth to the allegations to at least the cult-like or spiritual abuse allegations that Julie Ann Smith details. Everything I have seen written seems pretty spot-on for spiritual abuse, down to the former member’s responses and fear in speaking out. That being said, I wonder if (DISCLAIMER: THIS IS PURE CONJECTURE ON MY PART) in their pain and desire to “bring down” a harmful ministry, that some went too far and made false allegations regarding the pastor abusing his children and the sexual predator in the children’s area. In the anger and pain that happens in the aftermath of spiritual abuse, it is not strange to think a victim may lash out or seek revenge on their own terms. As a former member of a spiritually abusive ministry, let me tell you, you have every right to say, post, publicize or otherwise inform people of your experience at a ministry and/or your opinion of that ministry. But, you should not try to “take down” or avenge yourself on the ministry in anyway, especially if it involves the use of illegal or unethical means. If the ministry has done something heinous and illegal, don’t fight it by your own means. Seek legal recourse. 

Then again, those allegations of child abuse and the sexual predator could be true. We have no way of knowing the full story. As the only place I have seem the child predator allegations or child abuse allegations has been on the Church website, I am not sure what to make of this. None of the news stories I have read yet mention them, but maybe the more recent ones are up-to-date. It is also possible (likely?) that they gleaned all of it from other news sources and Julie Anne Smith’s website and statements without doing much further digging. What, news is one-sided and poorly investigated? Get out! Snark!

As there are at least 4 other defendants in this case, it is also possible than one of them, or someone else altogether, made those allegations (although the church specifically names Julie Anne Smith, but none of the other defendants).  And like I mentioned above, who knows? Maybe all the allegations are true! Or, maybe the church is making that part up. Yeah, I know, it is hard to believe that church leadership would lie. But it happens, trust me. I’ve witnessed church leadership lies, although not on this big a level.

Regardless, this is a big, tangled mess. As a former member of a spiritually abusive ministry, I would like to jump all over this. And initially I was ready to leap into “action”! I even tweeted: “Anyone else want to fill Beaverton Grace Bible Church’s various website review areas with comments for them to stop their lawsuit? Thoughts? ”. I never acted on this initial impulse, except for asking Twitterverse what they thought of the idea.

This morning, I went over to some of the Internet review sites for BGBC, and I was first amused by the number of nasty reviews that have been left about the church in just the last 24 hours. Then as I read through them I was saddened. Most were likely written by people, like me, who have no knowledge of the church or the lawsuit except what they have read online or saw on the news. It is one thing to post something that mentions the lawsuit and states that the church shouldn’t be doing that, but it is another thing entirely to make nasty statements that the church is a cult and some other personally offensive remarks about the pastor, if you have never met the man or even heard of the church before this lawsuit went viral. 

Now granted, I am not sure that I still think that the church should drop the lawsuit or not. And not necessarily because the church is in the right, mind you.

If everything in Beaverton Grace Bible Church’s statement is accurate and truthful, I can’t really blame them for finally resorting to a lawsuit (assuming they have actually exhausted other means of reaching out to those making the allegations). And really, if I can counsel someone to seek legal recourse against a ministry that has acted illegally and unethically, can I council the church another way? Maybe… but that is a theological argument I don’t want to get into today.

Of course, if their statement is more fiction than fact, and this is just a way of trying to silence some former members from sharing their opinion and experience at the church online, well, poor move, guys. Spiritually abusive ministries try to silence former members in any way possible. Some have rules that members must stop relationship (or shun) with former members, even going so far as to completely ignore them in public (as Julie Anne Smith mentions on her blog). Most indoctrinate their members that speaking ill about church or ministry leadership is a sin, even if the leadership is in the wrong. After having this fed to you constantly, it may be hard to break out of this mindset even when you first leave an abusive ministry. And many former members of cults or spiritually abusive members are just too darned ashamed to say anything. 

That being said, if BGBC is in the wrong, it might also be good for the lawsuit to continue, if only to reveal the true nature of the church and its leadership. The thing about defamation lawsuits— it has to be untrue for it to be defamation. So, if it’s true, um, BGBC REALLY doesn’t have a leg to stand on here. I’m just not sure how far the burden of proof goes with these types of cases. Lawyer friends, help a girl out?

Of course, in filing the lawsuit and then removing the negative reviews online from their former members, BGBC has now experienced The Streisand Effect. Basically, in trying to silence something on the Internet, they have now caused it to go viral. When maybe a few hundred people may have seen the negative review and/or Julie Anne Smith’s blog, now the world is hearing about it. In the end, this may not work out well for the church, even if they win the lawsuit (which could have some far-reaching effects).

Anyway, this may have been a mess of a post, but it’s been on my mind. Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

If you aren’t just stumbling on my blog for the first time today, you’ve probably read some of my posts regarding The Ministry: the issues there, the awful way my family was released, my own angry response, as well as a few funny stories. It’s been a couple years now since we left. Actually, it’s almost been two years to the day!

Over the last couple of years, I’ve managed to work through my anger and pain from that whole mess. I have searched myself, and I truly feel I have forgiven everyone whose actions (or lack thereof) hurt me. Well, almost; if I am completely honest, I think I might still be working on completely forgiving one particular person, who told many people (including my husband, who knew better) that I was demon-possessed, or at the very least, demon-oppressed (I might need to  do a series on how to speak “prophetic” or “Pentecostal”, as the language is similar). Sigh. I certainly was not in my best shape when we got the boot from the ministry, but demon-possessed or demon-oppressed I most certainly was not. I have spoken the forgiveness out loud, prayed to God, and released it again and again in regards to this particular person. But, when I think about him, I still feel a twinge of pain. Maybe the forgiveness is complete, but the healing is not. The head of the ministry also said some similarly awful things about me, including in reference to a situation for which he originally praised me, but perhaps because I had come to expect that from him, it didn’t affect me nearly as much.

I have been wondering recently what reconciliation would look like in this situation, especially since I really burned all my bridges there. And to be sure, some of them I think should have been burned. See, while I have forgiven them, I do still think the leadership of the ministry is doing more harm than good, not just to the public who attends the meetings, but even more so to the members of the ministry team. I just don’t think I am required, nor is it desired by God, to be reconciled to those who are still actively hurting people. Forgive? Yes, absolutely. Restore relationship with them? No, probably not.

Now, to be sure, I think that they sincerely believe they are helping people, and they are not actively trying to harm people. However, significant issues in the leadership structure are thwarting the good they could be doing. Or at the very least, the harm they are doing outweighs any of the good. Others before me have tried to point out these very issues, only to end up in the same boat that I now find myself. Even so, I wish I had gone out in a blaze of glory, pointing out the issues, even in the face of their complete denial. I think things would have been even messier and more difficult at the time. But I still should have done it. 

In the aftermath and weeks immediately following our leaving the ministry, I have to admit, I reacted poorly out of my pain and anger. I did things and said things that I wish I had not. In my remorse, I did text the head of the ministry to truly apologize for what I had done wrong and offered to come in and meet in person if he felt it was necessary. He never responded. (And, as a note, I never received an apology from him, although I suspect he still thinks he did nothing wrong throughout that whole affair.) Regardless, his lack of response to my text seems to be a clear message that he desires no further reconciliation. Granted, that was two years ago. But given that, and the question of whether reconciliation is possible or desirable at this point, I don’t know that I can or should make any further attempts at contact. 

More than anything else, I regret cutting off contact with the other team members, especially those I had counted as particular friends. For a variety of reasons, I unfriended all of them on Facebook and never called them. Partly it was because I “knew” they would all drop me as a friend (it was sort of an unwritten rule that team members were not good friends, if friends at all, with people who left the team on bad terms or with those who had issues with the ministry’s leadership). I also found out some of them said some untrue things about me to the head of the ministry, which was particularly painful and confusing. More than any of that however, was the sheer fact that I didn’t want them funneling information about my current activities, whereabouts, or anything about my life to the man who claimed to be my spiritual father and then so easily abandoned me. 

Granted, theses friends of mine never sought me out either— via phone call, email, or trying to stop by my house to talk to me. But, I can’t blame them, as I first initiated it by the big social media write-off. 

I have thought about contacting them, to apologize and try to re-initiate some sort of friendship. Actually, I haven’t just thought about it; I’ve prayed about it considerably. I am still not sure that I should— at least not yet. I just don’t know how it would be received. Not that the possibility of being rejected is what is keeping me from contacting them (because really, I totally deserve that, given that I essentially did that to them)…but I don’t want to cause more pain, if it is unnecessary. Is contacting them the right thing and in their interests, or would I just be doing it to make myself feel better? Given the very high risk of rejection I perceive in this situation, I don’t think I want to do this out of a desire to make myself feel better. Frankly, it makes me uneasy. But I do suspect any contact at this point in time would just cause them more pain and not be received in a fashion to allow for healing on any side. 

I just don’t know. Maybe it just needs more time.

But— Rebecca, Heather, Alison, and Lori, if you somehow stumbled upon my blog via my Provoketive author page (because I know some members of the ministry have been reading my Provoketive magazine posts), let me publicly say I am so very sorry. I think about all of you frequently and pray for you often.